The Mental Models Series, Ch. 2: Be a Better Listener with “Man, that sucks”
One of my favorite TV shows is Parks and Recreation, so I absolutely love it when the show draws parallels to real life. In one episode, Ann gets fed up with Chris “trying to solve all her problems” — cleaning up for her, bringing her food and beverages, being eternally optimistic, and so on. Chris even catches flak for trying to help Ann see the bright side of things. Poor guy. (Omitting plot details for the sake of spoilers.)
Eventually, the rest of the gang clues Chris in. My favorite character, Aziz Ansari’s Tom Haverford (more for Master of None reasons than Parks and Rec reasons, to be honest), lets Chris know that if he wants Ann to really feel better, he just has to say those three magic words…
“Man, that sucks”
Yep, no “3 words, 8 letters, say them and I’m yours” B.S. — just tried-and-true commiseration.
Of course, you know how the rest of the episode goes — Chris embraces the “man, that sucks” mantra, Ann feels like she’s getting what she wants from him, and their communication improves. They stop driving each other nuts. Etc etc.
Parks and Rec used the “that sucks” mantra for comedic relief, but at the risk of sounding more nerdy than I already do, I think there’s something real to be taken away here.
Over the course of many, many conversations, rants, and good old-fashioned whinges, I’ve come to realize a core principle of complain sessions: a lot of times, people don’t actually want advice. From you, or from anyone else.
They got this; they understand, at the end of the day, what must be done and that they need to face the music. You, as their loving friend / partner / spouse / parent / child, are simply a way for them to feel better about the situation. We all want someone in our corner.
My first instinct is often to solve problems.
I want to fix situations and make people feel better. But again, as the loving friend / partner / spouse / parent / child, if my goal is really to make others feel better, I’ve learned that I can do that by adopting the mentality of “man, that sucks”, hearing them out, making sure they feel heard and validated, and only pivoting to advice if they explicitly ask for it.
This doesn’t mean being a passive and unengaged listener.
Quite the opposite, in fact. It means we’re willing to put aside our firehose of advice long enough to make sure our companion is getting what they need. By making them feel heard and supported, you participate in solving their problems.
Most tellingly for me, I’ve seen this strategy work in my own relationship. My girlfriend is a wildly capable, intelligent, and determined person. Usually, she is very capable of figuring out how to deal with her problems on her own, without my advice. In fact, because we’re in completely different fields, my advice usually doesn’t even address all the relevant nuances at play. When she really does want me to suggest solutions or perspective, she asks! But the best role I can play is being supportive and giving her room to mull things over.
So I suggest adding “that sucks” to your mental toolbox.
I think it’ll help your conversations. It won’t make you as cute as Aziz… but really, who is?
